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He had met Julie at the local Wal-Mart, she and the older girls were looking at a grill and Eric took the chance and decided to help, it was a quick courtship and they were married about 6 months later. I am a musician and spends my time at their place when I was in town and not on the road. After Eric was gone, I tried to be there to help like I said and one day Julie asked me, “Rand, can I get you to do me a BIG favor, PLEASE?” She looked at me with her big brown eyes and like always I started to melt, “Christmas is coming up and, well, Eric always used to play Santa for Suzie, would you, could you, do it this year. It won't be long before she will know the truth and I think this year she needs it, may be the last year she believes.” I wasn't thrilled, but how could I turn that down, and a chance to see the look on that little angels face, lately she hadn't smiled near as much as she used to. “Julie I would be happy to, but I have never done it, what's the deal.” She tells me that. I didn't fakeit. We texted a bit and met again. Just for a coffee. I between beforeI had to be back at work. Just the hugs.What's happening? Am I thinking that? I never really thought aboutsexuality and to be honest, I am constantly questioning it. Beforetransitioned I always leaned towards women. But honestly, sexually witha woman, that wasn't exactly what I wanted. Yes, pretending to be a guywas certainly not the sexiest and arousing thought I could have had inthose moments. And that's why I tried to avoid having sex. I was oftenasked if I'm gay. I was adamant that I wasn't. But was I?I don't know. I was confused back then. Being female and beingattracted to females is gay too. But being female and being attractedto males isn't gay. So was I gay or was I straight?I didn't know. And I still don't.But Darren is cute. Do I want him to kiss me? Yes, I think I want that.Do I love him? No. Do I have a crush on him? Maybe. I don't know yet.And I don't have any idea how he feels about me..
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